I felt a small lump in my left breast while taking bath. I took note of it but then didn’t tell anyone because honestly, you don’t even know what you felt is a cause of concern or not.

Of course, one reads about annual mammograms for self-checkups but I doubt if most of us do it or know the correct way to do it. Ditto with PAPSMEARS. We all know we should get it done but we don’t.

After maybe 4-5 days I showed the lump to my daughter Tanya and asked her to feel it. She also felt that it was definitely not normal and needed to be checked. The next course of action, looking at hindsight, is laughable. I rang up my husband, who is in the army and was posted at Roorkee, to check if there is a female gynecologist in Roorkee. Imagine our ignorance!!

We didn’t even know which doctor to go to if something like this happens. We were in luck. There was a female gynecologist at Military Hospital Roorkee. Tanya and I decided to go there for a short holiday. The gynecologist met us and said it is a case of a medical surgeon and not a gynecologist.

Fortunately, the medical surgeon was a female doctor as well. She did my external and advised for FNAC which is Fine Needle Aspiration Cytology. FNAC was done and the report was inconclusive.

The doctor advised for trucut biopsy. Meanwhile, I was asked to get an ultrasound and mammography done of my left breast. Both tests were normal. Ultrasound showed fibroadenoma which apparently is very common.

After a week-long so-called holiday, we came back to Chandigarh. Met the Onco surgeon, Col SriHari, who did the biopsy the same day. The needle to do biopsy was not like the one used for FNAC. It was huge and every time the doctor used to insert the needle, he used to say “Fire”. Reminded me of a battlefield😊. It was done under local anesthesia, so was not painful but uncomfortable. To my horror, once it was done, there was a lot of bleeding from the site. Luckily, I was carrying a stole, so I covered myself up.

The breast had bruised up!!

Before the biopsy, Tanya and I had watched a few YouTube videos. We bought couple of front open thick shirts. Thanks to YouTube videos, I was carrying a stole for biopsy.

The biopsy results normally take around 10 -12 days to come. Meanwhile, I was carrying out my normal activities. I have always been a very active, health-conscious person. Not to sound too braggy, but people used to give my example where lifestyle was concerned. Yoga, walks, aerobics, clean, healthy food…you name it…I was doing it. Everything was health-related. Whatever could be healed naturally, with changes here and there, I would do it for myself and the family. I love to cook and bake. So pizzas, breads, rolls, cakes..everything had to be from my kitchen.

(I can just imagine what people would be talking about when they would have heard about my diagnosis :P )

The biopsy result came and it was benign.

We were relieved and ecstatic but the onco surgeon, Col Takkar, suggested for ultrasound-guided biopsy. I feel he was expecting the result to be something else.

By this time, my husband had gone back to Roorkee after a short leave in Chandigarh. My daughter and I went to the hospital and got my USG biopsy done, which was a smooth and painless procedure.

The result took 10 days to come. Benign!

The onco surgeon decided to wait for 3 months and called me for a follow-up in July. By May's end, I could feel that the lump had grown in size. You know, most of the time, we feel that whether we are imagining a thing or it actually is. I rang up the doctor, he called me to the hospital immediately. He asked to get ultrasound of the breast and another ultrasound-guided biopsy done.

Third time biopsy!!

The wait began for the report. By this time, I was fed up. I just wanted to get the damn lump out. Though I’m writing about my cancer journey, The Almighty decides to test all boundaries of physical, mental, and emotional strength at the same time.

My father hadn’t been keeping well for the past two months. Nothing serious, only the feeling of gas in the stomach and less stamina. He got hospitalized on 23 June.

On the 27th, he suffered cardiac arrest. When I look back, everything seems surreal. My brother and his family were in Pakistan. He was on deputation there. Rajan, Tanya, and I started from here for Meerut and my brother from Pakistan. Meera and their children were to start later.

My heart goes out to my mother. Luckily, my cousin and his wife were a big support. They did everything…hospitalization… Running around. My mom was in terrible shape.

The doctor had given the verdict that my father could carry on for months like that or he may not. The biopsy result didn’t come this time. We got a call from the doctor on 2 July to get another biopsy done. The doctor hadn’t written a conclusive report.

My brother then said it’s better you go and get yourself checked. Papa’s condition may just carry on. My husband, daughter and I started back for Chandigarh on 3 July and directly went to the hospital. It was decided that rather than a biopsy again, it was better to go in for surgery.

Got my x-rays, ECG, and other tests that are mandatory for surgery. The date of the surgery was fixed for the 7th. We came home at 1:45 pm; had lunch.

I got a call from my brother around 2 that my father had passed away. We immediately started back for Meerut and just managed to reach there for cremation.

Surreal!!

I had to come back to Chandigarh the next day ..on the 4th as I had to get admitted on the 6th. Had to get blood tests done on the 5th. Without elaborating on the mental state, let me just say I was admitted on the day my father’s “chautha” was being performed!!

The surgery was done on the 7th. The doctor performed lumpectomy. Removal of the lump. The surgeon later informed that they removed the lymph nodes also as the “frozen” section showed malignancy. It was diagnosed as Invasive ductal carcinoma.

I woke up groggy once the effect of the local anesthesia wore off. My husband and daughter were there. I asked them about the status and even before they could say anything, I knew.

I didn’t cry, no histrionics…. plain acceptance!

After a day of surgery, I felt a funny sensation in my left elbow. Gradually it spread to the upper arm too. Since so many lymph nodes were removed, some nerves along with it also get affected. I couldn’t lift my arm or touch it. I was advised some physiotherapy and some arm exercises on a daily basis. Luckily, I could see an improvement in 20 days and could use my left arm to do chores.

One thing I felt very strongly about was the pre-surgery preparation. Nobody prepares you for surgery. It’s only when you are admitted to the hospital and due for surgery the next day, the caregiver (‘didi"‘ in army lingo) comes and gives you instructions to prepare for the surgery.

I understand that doctors are hard-pressed for time and they are doing a great service to mankind but a xeroxed copy of dos and don’ts pre-surgery, along with the prescription, would save patients a lot of stress, running around and leave them with some dignity. Female patients due for surgery are required to ... remove their nail paint.

Remove pubic hair.
Tie their hair in two plaits.

Now, wouldn’t it be better if the patients do all this in the privacy and comfort of their homes? Such a simple thing, if only the patients are aware. Not everybody stays in close proximity of the hospital so that their attendants/relatives can go home and get all these things.

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Post-surgery, I had the drainage pipe put through my axilla, which was taken off after a week. There were 6 staples put under my armpits. I was so scared that they would hurt while being taken out, but thankfully after 14 days when they were being cut, there was only mild discomfort.

We met the oncologist, Col. Choudhary for the first time. In our mind was only ‘what now’.

He explained about the chemotherapy cycles and explained what my reports meant.

For the first time since march, I broke down. We were told that I am Triple negative i.e., my hormone status is triple negative. Which sounded like a death sentence. I was advised to get BRCA test done. BRCA stands for breast cancer gene and this test would determine if I am carrying this gene or not. For a moment, I forgot about myself and was worried sick for my daughters.

The first chemo was scheduled for 10th Aug. Total cycles 16.

Now was the time to get ready for chemo!

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I did a lot of cooking, baking in the few days I had before my chemo started. Continued going for long walks. Couldn’t continue with yoga as my arm hurt and I didn’t feel like doing pranayama, though I could. I wanted to cook and bake as much as possible for my daughter as I could as I didn’t know whether I’ll be able to do so or not once my chemo started. Both of us made few reels of dances ..which both of us really, really enjoy doing (I have two left feet).

I went for a haircut around 15th July and got my hair really shortened. The hairdresser was not ready to cut it too short. I HAD to tell him..literally..the fact. I never wanted the hair to be all over, messy and shocking to see. How naïve of me!!

Every evening, Tanya and I used to sit and pore over the online shopping portals to look for hair scarves, bandanas, caps. We ordered few and were sorted. Anticipating chemo effects, I kept a maid to cook two major meals for us. I continued to do the cooking till the day I got admitted in the hospital.

The oncosurgeon suggested to get a chemo port inserted. I got admitted on 8th. The surgery was scheduled for 9th. This time I was prepared The nurse came and gave me the gown to change for surgery. I was wheeled inside the OT at 7:45am, the anesthetist was making polite conversation while GA was being admistered.

When I woke up, I felt a strong urge to vomit. And I did. I was ushered out at 11am, was on drip till 4pm.

I was not comfortable post-surgery, in pain and my chest hurt where the port was inserted. The stitches hurt and I had skin abrasion.

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For most of us, cancer is synonymous with chemotherapy. We all know at least one person who has gone through it. We have watched movies, read books where the protagonist is going through it.

We dread it.

So, when the day arrived for it, I was dreadful and apprehensive as how would it go, how will I feel and react. I was asked to go to the oncology ward around 8:15 am, from the family ward, where I was admitted for the insertion of chemo port. I had no clue before how is chemo administered…but that was before I watched you tube videos. Blood tests are done before the chemo to see if everything is okay. Since we are living in covid era, RTPCR was also mandatory.

A needle is inserted through the chemo port and chemo is administered like a drip. Maybe I was under the influence of drugs post-surgery, I slept off the first four hours of chemo. Had lunch at 1:30 pm. Chemo finished off at 2:45 pm. Didn’t feel anything. Came home and slept. I was given few medicines to have for three days to counter the side effects of chemo. Didn’t know what to expect as this was the first time. Didn’t feel anything unusual. Was so happy.